Confusing Relief

Am I healing by doing nothing?
Or is this an excuse to shut down?
To slide through the days and
expect nothing of myself?
I feel disconnected to the creator.
Or could my silence be a prayer?

I resume my history of pain
and do not recognize the transformation.
I can get up now.
I can walk without crumbling.
I stand at length looking up at summer trees
as the outdoor shower dances to the sounds of crickets.

I must embrace the newness of it all.
I cannot fall back into refusal.
Reasons for removing myself from this world.
I can paint in secret, so that no one will know.
Years of other people’s art and colors
can become mine, if only I will fill the vessels
with water and touch my brushes to pure white paper.